Three months

I can't believe it's already been 3 months.  And I can't believe it's only been 3 months.

Sweet Graham,

It has been a long 3 months since I last saw you.  I miss you so much sometimes I feel as though I can hardly catch my breath.  I miss holding you, kissing your cheeks, smelling you.  It's the small things, too.  I think about your hair.  It was so dark, Graham!  Would it have stayed that way?  Would you have been the only dark-headed person in our family? 

Parker and Daddy were playing catch outside the other day.  As I sat on the grass and watched them I couldn't help but wish you were there.  I'm sure you would have been mesmerized by all of the activity.  And I'm sure Bubba would have been running over every couple of minutes to hug and kiss on you.  He sure does love babies, and I know he would have been an awesome big brother to you.

We try to talk about you as much as possible.  I try to find ways to bring you up in conversations.  I hope it doesn't make other people uncomfortable, but I can't help it.  Parker has been talking about you, too, and sometimes when we least expect it.  We were driving to church the other day when he asked me if I thought Jesus was being nice to you.  I assured him that Jesus was so much nicer and better than even we, your family, could be to you.  I know you are so well taken care of.  He also told me that he misses his baby.  I tried to clarify what baby he was talking about, but I found out he meant you!  He said that he didn't want you to be in Heaven anymore - he wanted you at home with us!

Oh, Graham, I wish you were at home with us, too.  I know deep in my heart that Heaven is so much better than life here on earth, but my human heart still longs for you here.  I'm sure you feel so much better, though.  You were so sick, baby.  I'm so thankful that you must feel so much better. 

I hope you know what sort of impact you have made here on earth.  The number people you have touched in your 4 short hours of life.  I sure hope God has told you all about it.  More than anyone else, though, you have touched our family - me, Daddy, and Bubba - greatly.  Our testimony of God's faithfulness and mercies through even these dark times is one we hope to share for as long as we are here on earth.

My memories and thoughts of your birthday three months ago are starting to go fuzzy.  I can't remember every detail like I thought I would - and it's frustrating.  But I could never forget how beautiful you were.  And how very proud of you I was.  I loved showing you off to anyone who was there. 

One thing that I realized just the other day, Graham, is that you will always be my baby.  Parker is growing up so quickly and wriggles out of my grasp when I try to snuggle with him.  But you, Graham, will always be my sweet baby.  I love you for that, and a million other reasons.

Miss you, Bubba.  Can't wait to hold you again...

Love,

Momma