Don't Waste It

I just got back yesterday from spending 3 days in Temple.  One of my best friends, Sarah, went to her regularly scheduled baby check-up and found out, at 23 weeks pregnant, that her baby no longer had a heartbeat.  She'd had plenty of check-ups before then that showed her baby girl healthy and growing.  They have no idea why the baby no longer was alive.  So, she went in on Thursday morning to start labor so that she could deliver her stillborn daughter, Brittyn.  It wasn't until early on Saturday morning (about 2:00 am), that Brittyn was born sleeping.  You can read more about her story here. 

I drove down on Wednesday night to be with Sarah during labor.  As soon as I heard about what happened I knew that I needed to be there.  But when I walked into that hospital room, and saw the picture on the door that was a sign to all of the hospital staff that a baby had died, it brought back a flood of memories.  I remember the rose that was on my door to alert staff about what had happened.  I remember being in the middle of a labor and delivery area, around happy families excited to meet their little babies, and knowing that my story was much different.  I hated seeing someone else having to say goodbye to their baby way too soon. 

I know that I want to use what has happened with Graham as a ministry to others who are hurting, but I sure wasn't expecting it to be a mere 2 months later.  And with one of my best friends.  It was a long 3 days.  I know it was extremely long and painful for Sarah, but the longer I was there, the harder it became for me, too.  I had such a hard time not thinking constantly about Graham.  I was so sad for Sarah, and I longed for her to get to have Brittyn and me to have Graham.  I know it was exhaustion, but on Friday night I completely broke down.  Thankfully I had my friend Kimberly there to listen to me as I told her how unfair all of this was, how much I missed Graham, how sad I was for Sarah, how I needed to hold Parker, how I needed sleep, etc. 

When Brittyn was delivered early Saturday morning I got to be there with Sarah, Casey, both of their moms, and Sarah's sister Laura.  Casey's mom was holding Brittyn and said something that I can't stop thinking about.  She said, "God isn't going to waste this pain."  I know she said some other meaningful things, but that stuck out to me.  I don't want to waste the pain that I have from Graham's death.  I want something beautiful to come out of the ashes.

I know part of my ministry from all of this will be comforting and empathizing with others who are going through a similar situation.  But I want to dream even bigger.  I want a way to honor Graham's memory.  I want to make God look glorious.  I want others to know how faithful God is even through the darkest possible pain.  No matter the situation - loss of a child, a parent, a job, or a dream - God is constant.  And He is enough.