I can look back on several instances over the past couple years where I can see that perhaps God was preparing me for all that was going to happen with my sweet Graham.
Back in the fall of 2007 I was pregnant for the first time. I was "enjoying" all of the joys of pregnancy (nausea, sleepiness, aversions to food, etc.) when I went in for our first checkup and ultrasound. I was 8 weeks pregnant and excited to sneak a glimpse of the little one inside me. However, we left that day with the sad news that we had a miscarriage. I was distraught over our loss, and grieved for our sweet baby that we would never be able to meet this side of heaven. I was still processing it all when I heard about some friends of ours that were pregnant and went in for their mid-pregnancy ultrasound, only to leave with the devastating news that their baby showed to be "incompatible with life."
I feel like I was able to, at that point, put some sort of perspective on the grief I was dealing with. Please hear me when I say that a loss at any point in the pregnancy is heartbreaking, but I truly felt that the emotions they were now dealing with went to a deeper place than I could imagine. I had been clicking through some blogs during that time and stumbled upon Angie Smith's "Bring the Rain" blog. Reading her story, I couldn't help but compare it to Brandon and Sara's. I sent Sara the blog link and told her that she may want to read the blog for some encouragement and to know that she wasn't walking this road alone.
Long story short, Angie and Sara struck up a friendship that carried them through what was ahead - the loss of both of their sweet babies. I sat by and read updates from both of these two ladies on the delivery day of their children. Angie delivered Audrey on April 7th, 2008 and she shortly went on to be with the Father. Sara delivered sweet Elliot on April 28th, 2008 and he spent an hour alive with his family before he, too, went to Heaven. I was a mess on both of those days as I had prayed so very hard for these families. I remember now, though, that I didn't necessarily pray for God to perform a miracle and save either Audrey or Elliot from death. I prayed for the strength and peace that can only come from God to show up in a mighty way and hold these families up.
I was able to go to Elliot's memorial service and I can remember Brandon running up to me before the service saying, "Angie's here!" I knew exactly who he was talking about. I couldn't believe it and was so excited that they could finally meet face to face. Angie actually blogged about her visit here. I tell you all of this, and I have also shared this with Sara, that I think God was preparing me. I found myself so involved in these stories. I pored over their updates, their blog posts (before and after their loss), and cried many tears for them. My sweet sister-in-law, Becky, even bought me Angie's book "I Will Carry You" when it came out in 2010. I read it then, reliving all that their family went through with Audrey. I really don't know how to describe it, but it seems like God had opened me up to this kind of loss, to the possibility, to what the pain feels and looks like.
There is another time when I feel like God was preparing my heart for what was to come. It's when I wrote this blog post here. I was 13 weeks pregnant with Parker and we had a "scare." You can read more about it yourself, but I really hope you watch the video, too.
I am so thankful for these things I can look back on and see how God was gracious to me. He didn't have to be, but I really feel like my heart was somewhat ready for losing my Graham. I knew that it was all for God's glory. I knew that we would be OK. I knew that Graham would be so much better in Heaven than he is here. I knew that God wasn't going to waste this pain. I knew Him, and for that I am thankful.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Weight
Today was a super busy day at work. Not quite sure why, but it seemed like every weird thing that could go wrong or need extra attention happened today. So, when my boss' assistant called for me at 4:30 this afternoon and said that my boss needed to speak with me, it seemed like just par for the course.
However, when I walked into his office I was caught off guard by all of my friends and co-workers who were gathered in there. I work in the Business Office at the Seminary, and with all of the departments combined, there are about 15 of us. I, of course, said, "What's going on?" Everyone giggled nervously, but were all staring at me. Super awkward at first. But then my boss started to speak. He talked about how everyone cares about me and my family, and have been so touched by our story of losing Graham. He said that they all got together and decided to order a brick for our Graham.
He then handed this brick to me, and that is when I started to cry. I was so touched by their expression of love, but more than that, there was weight in my arms. And it had Graham's name on it, and it represented my son. I cannot adequately explain to you the feelings that rushed over me. My arms have ached to hold my son again. And here I was getting to hold something weighty that was just for him.
They told me that there is going to be another brick just like it put outside the new chapel that the Seminary just built. Along with Graham's brick, there will also be one for Parker, and one for Matt & I. Through tears I told everyone there that we were so very thankful for this gift. It meant more to us than they probably even realized because we have wanted something permanent here in Fort Worth for Graham.
When Graham first passed away, and we were having to quickly make decisions about what to do with his body while we were in the hospital, we thought that we would want him to be buried at a cemetery here in Fort Worth. He was our Fort Worth baby. He was conceived here, lived his whole life inside me here, was born and died here. We really wanted him here. I got out of the hospital on Sunday afternoon, and we had an appointment at a local funeral home on Monday morning. That appointment was probably one of the worst things I ever had to do. The funeral director drove us out to "Babyland" to pick out a plot for Graham. And it made me sick. I don't quite know what I was envisioning, but I knew this wasn't it. I couldn't imagine "leaving" my child out there. I was so anxious and ready to just make a decision and be done with it, but we decided to pull back on making a decision right then. Graham was cremated and his remains are now here in our apartment with us. We have still talked about having him buried here, but we are in no rush to make an emotional decision.
All that to say, it really meant a lot to think that now we do have something that will be a permanent place here in Fort Worth. And more than Fort Worth, a permanent place at the Seminary is even more meaningful. I would be hardpressed to fully describe how supportive and loving our Seminary family has been to us during all that we have gone through with Graham. They have encouraged us, prayed for us, financially supported us, and loved on us so well.
When everyone was leaving my boss' office, one of my friends stopped and told me that Christ's power has so obviously been demonstrated in me during this time. But more than that, even, that Graham has demonstrated God's power. His little body was weak and we were powerless, but Christ's power was strong. I am so proud to be Graham's mom. In his 4 short hours of life he has touched more than I could ever hope to. He has brought many people closer to the Lord, and I am one of them. I feel as though I see God in a whole new way now. I have seen the depths of His mercy, His abounding peace, His glorious grace. What an awesome gift my Graham has left me!
However, when I walked into his office I was caught off guard by all of my friends and co-workers who were gathered in there. I work in the Business Office at the Seminary, and with all of the departments combined, there are about 15 of us. I, of course, said, "What's going on?" Everyone giggled nervously, but were all staring at me. Super awkward at first. But then my boss started to speak. He talked about how everyone cares about me and my family, and have been so touched by our story of losing Graham. He said that they all got together and decided to order a brick for our Graham.
He then handed this brick to me, and that is when I started to cry. I was so touched by their expression of love, but more than that, there was weight in my arms. And it had Graham's name on it, and it represented my son. I cannot adequately explain to you the feelings that rushed over me. My arms have ached to hold my son again. And here I was getting to hold something weighty that was just for him.
They told me that there is going to be another brick just like it put outside the new chapel that the Seminary just built. Along with Graham's brick, there will also be one for Parker, and one for Matt & I. Through tears I told everyone there that we were so very thankful for this gift. It meant more to us than they probably even realized because we have wanted something permanent here in Fort Worth for Graham.
When Graham first passed away, and we were having to quickly make decisions about what to do with his body while we were in the hospital, we thought that we would want him to be buried at a cemetery here in Fort Worth. He was our Fort Worth baby. He was conceived here, lived his whole life inside me here, was born and died here. We really wanted him here. I got out of the hospital on Sunday afternoon, and we had an appointment at a local funeral home on Monday morning. That appointment was probably one of the worst things I ever had to do. The funeral director drove us out to "Babyland" to pick out a plot for Graham. And it made me sick. I don't quite know what I was envisioning, but I knew this wasn't it. I couldn't imagine "leaving" my child out there. I was so anxious and ready to just make a decision and be done with it, but we decided to pull back on making a decision right then. Graham was cremated and his remains are now here in our apartment with us. We have still talked about having him buried here, but we are in no rush to make an emotional decision.
All that to say, it really meant a lot to think that now we do have something that will be a permanent place here in Fort Worth. And more than Fort Worth, a permanent place at the Seminary is even more meaningful. I would be hardpressed to fully describe how supportive and loving our Seminary family has been to us during all that we have gone through with Graham. They have encouraged us, prayed for us, financially supported us, and loved on us so well.
When everyone was leaving my boss' office, one of my friends stopped and told me that Christ's power has so obviously been demonstrated in me during this time. But more than that, even, that Graham has demonstrated God's power. His little body was weak and we were powerless, but Christ's power was strong. I am so proud to be Graham's mom. In his 4 short hours of life he has touched more than I could ever hope to. He has brought many people closer to the Lord, and I am one of them. I feel as though I see God in a whole new way now. I have seen the depths of His mercy, His abounding peace, His glorious grace. What an awesome gift my Graham has left me!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Spring Picture Review
I know that I have used this blog as an outlet to share my feelings about the loss of Graham. And I definitely want to continue to do that. However, I also want it to live up to the name - "What We're Dugan." So, in order to keep you up to date on what is going on with us, I thought a picture-filled post would be fun.
Here we are making bracelets to remember Graham. Matt and I wore our bracelets that the hospital put on us as soon as Graham was born for about a month after he passed away. Parker told us that he wanted to have a bracelet to remember Graham, too, so I went to the store and bought supplies to all make our own bracelets. None of us wear the bracelets anymore because we now have more permanent ways to remember him, but those bracelets were just what we all needed to wear and keep near to us in the first few weeks after we lost our Graham.
Parker and his best buddies, Claudia and Vincent, before the Eggstravaganza Easter Egg hunt at the seminary.
This is during the prayertime before the easter egg hunt. Yes, that is my child with the bucket on his head facing the wrong way while every other child is praying.
We are members of the Fort Worth Science & History Museum. We love visiting as often as we can and enjoying all of the activities the museum offers.
And, of course, with it being springtime in Texas, we HAD to take pictures in the bluebonnets. To see the last two years' pictures just click here.
We also had a picnic while we were out taking our bluebonnet pictures.
On the Saturday before Easter the boys decided to make Resurrection Rolls. If you don't know how to make them, it's super easy! You can check out the recipe here. They are a great way to share the story of Jesus' resurrection with your young children.
Parker definitely enjoyed the finished product. The rolls, after baked with a marshmallow in the middle, were hollow and empty on the inside. The roll is supposed to represent the empty tomb. Parker kept on saying, "Jesus was Alive!!" I kept on trying to correct him and say, "No, Jesus IS Alive!" We'll work on his theology later... ;)
On Easter we went out to Peaster, TX, which is where our pastor and his family from our former church live. It was so great to go out and see them and let Parker enjoy farm life again. We spent a lot of time out at their house while we were attending church out there and we missed their family.
Parker helped collect eggs from the chicken coop. They sent us home with about 30 freshly laid eggs. Yummy! Now I just need to find lots of recipes that call for eggs!
Of course, Parker had to help clean the eggs, too.
It's been good to get back in the "groove" of life. Finding out our new normal has been a bumpy road, but we've been able to make some fun family memories along the way.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Don't Waste It
I just got back yesterday from spending 3 days in Temple. One of my best friends, Sarah, went to her regularly scheduled baby check-up and found out, at 23 weeks pregnant, that her baby no longer had a heartbeat. She'd had plenty of check-ups before then that showed her baby girl healthy and growing. They have no idea why the baby no longer was alive. So, she went in on Thursday morning to start labor so that she could deliver her stillborn daughter, Brittyn. It wasn't until early on Saturday morning (about 2:00 am), that Brittyn was born sleeping. You can read more about her story here.
I drove down on Wednesday night to be with Sarah during labor. As soon as I heard about what happened I knew that I needed to be there. But when I walked into that hospital room, and saw the picture on the door that was a sign to all of the hospital staff that a baby had died, it brought back a flood of memories. I remember the rose that was on my door to alert staff about what had happened. I remember being in the middle of a labor and delivery area, around happy families excited to meet their little babies, and knowing that my story was much different. I hated seeing someone else having to say goodbye to their baby way too soon.
I know that I want to use what has happened with Graham as a ministry to others who are hurting, but I sure wasn't expecting it to be a mere 2 months later. And with one of my best friends. It was a long 3 days. I know it was extremely long and painful for Sarah, but the longer I was there, the harder it became for me, too. I had such a hard time not thinking constantly about Graham. I was so sad for Sarah, and I longed for her to get to have Brittyn and me to have Graham. I know it was exhaustion, but on Friday night I completely broke down. Thankfully I had my friend Kimberly there to listen to me as I told her how unfair all of this was, how much I missed Graham, how sad I was for Sarah, how I needed to hold Parker, how I needed sleep, etc.
When Brittyn was delivered early Saturday morning I got to be there with Sarah, Casey, both of their moms, and Sarah's sister Laura. Casey's mom was holding Brittyn and said something that I can't stop thinking about. She said, "God isn't going to waste this pain." I know she said some other meaningful things, but that stuck out to me. I don't want to waste the pain that I have from Graham's death. I want something beautiful to come out of the ashes.
I know part of my ministry from all of this will be comforting and empathizing with others who are going through a similar situation. But I want to dream even bigger. I want a way to honor Graham's memory. I want to make God look glorious. I want others to know how faithful God is even through the darkest possible pain. No matter the situation - loss of a child, a parent, a job, or a dream - God is constant. And He is enough.
I drove down on Wednesday night to be with Sarah during labor. As soon as I heard about what happened I knew that I needed to be there. But when I walked into that hospital room, and saw the picture on the door that was a sign to all of the hospital staff that a baby had died, it brought back a flood of memories. I remember the rose that was on my door to alert staff about what had happened. I remember being in the middle of a labor and delivery area, around happy families excited to meet their little babies, and knowing that my story was much different. I hated seeing someone else having to say goodbye to their baby way too soon.
I know that I want to use what has happened with Graham as a ministry to others who are hurting, but I sure wasn't expecting it to be a mere 2 months later. And with one of my best friends. It was a long 3 days. I know it was extremely long and painful for Sarah, but the longer I was there, the harder it became for me, too. I had such a hard time not thinking constantly about Graham. I was so sad for Sarah, and I longed for her to get to have Brittyn and me to have Graham. I know it was exhaustion, but on Friday night I completely broke down. Thankfully I had my friend Kimberly there to listen to me as I told her how unfair all of this was, how much I missed Graham, how sad I was for Sarah, how I needed to hold Parker, how I needed sleep, etc.
When Brittyn was delivered early Saturday morning I got to be there with Sarah, Casey, both of their moms, and Sarah's sister Laura. Casey's mom was holding Brittyn and said something that I can't stop thinking about. She said, "God isn't going to waste this pain." I know she said some other meaningful things, but that stuck out to me. I don't want to waste the pain that I have from Graham's death. I want something beautiful to come out of the ashes.
I know part of my ministry from all of this will be comforting and empathizing with others who are going through a similar situation. But I want to dream even bigger. I want a way to honor Graham's memory. I want to make God look glorious. I want others to know how faithful God is even through the darkest possible pain. No matter the situation - loss of a child, a parent, a job, or a dream - God is constant. And He is enough.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Assurance
We got a very thoughtful card in the mail yesterday that said, "Thinking of you at Easter." And the people who sent it put it so well - We continue to pray for your family and we especially remember you at Easter. Praise God for the promise of Eternal Life that Easter brings! For we know one day soon we will see Graham!
Easter has always been a special celebration to our family. This is what the Christian faith all boils down to - we worship a Savior who died on the cross for our sins, and rose three days later and is alive even now. Working His purpose out through our lives. What a paradox to call the day that Jesus was crucified on the cross Good Friday. Yet, it was good. Without Good Friday, we wouldn't have the forgiveness of sins, the assurance of salvation, the ability to have a personal and initimate relationship with the one, true God.
As I was sitting in our Good Friday service last night at church I couldn't help but think of my Graham. God knows what it's like to lose a son. An innocent son. During my grief journey I have reached out and sought people who have been in similar situations as me. To tell me that the feelings and emotions I am experiencing are normal. Yet, the God I serve and love knows and feels these same things. I believe He is mourning right alongside me.
I also thought of Graham because without the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus, there would be no assurance, no promise that we have Heaven ahead of us. The promise of eternal life means so much more to me than it ever has. Heaven to me = Graham. And I know there is so, so, so much more in Heaven than my Graham, but that is all I can think of right now.
Before last week, I knew Graham was in Heaven because the God I serve is compassionate and loving. I just knew that my sweet, innocent baby was in Heaven. I didn't need assurance. Yet, last week, I was given some. Dr. Patterson, the president of Southwestern Baptist Seminary, was preaching on the life of David in chapel. He has been doing a whole sermon series this semester, but in this part of David's story he was focusing on David & Bathsheba, and also the death of their child. You can find the story in 2 Samuel 11-12. During the sermon he specifically pointed to 2 Samuel 12:23
Easter has always been a special celebration to our family. This is what the Christian faith all boils down to - we worship a Savior who died on the cross for our sins, and rose three days later and is alive even now. Working His purpose out through our lives. What a paradox to call the day that Jesus was crucified on the cross Good Friday. Yet, it was good. Without Good Friday, we wouldn't have the forgiveness of sins, the assurance of salvation, the ability to have a personal and initimate relationship with the one, true God.
As I was sitting in our Good Friday service last night at church I couldn't help but think of my Graham. God knows what it's like to lose a son. An innocent son. During my grief journey I have reached out and sought people who have been in similar situations as me. To tell me that the feelings and emotions I am experiencing are normal. Yet, the God I serve and love knows and feels these same things. I believe He is mourning right alongside me.
I also thought of Graham because without the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus, there would be no assurance, no promise that we have Heaven ahead of us. The promise of eternal life means so much more to me than it ever has. Heaven to me = Graham. And I know there is so, so, so much more in Heaven than my Graham, but that is all I can think of right now.
Before last week, I knew Graham was in Heaven because the God I serve is compassionate and loving. I just knew that my sweet, innocent baby was in Heaven. I didn't need assurance. Yet, last week, I was given some. Dr. Patterson, the president of Southwestern Baptist Seminary, was preaching on the life of David in chapel. He has been doing a whole sermon series this semester, but in this part of David's story he was focusing on David & Bathsheba, and also the death of their child. You can find the story in 2 Samuel 11-12. During the sermon he specifically pointed to 2 Samuel 12:23
"But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?
I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
David says, upon hearing the news of the death of his newborn son, that he will go to him [in heaven], but he will not return [here to earth]. We have read this passage many times, especially since finding out about Graham's diagnosis and then his passing. But I never looked at that verse specifically as the biblical assurance that our son, Graham, is in Heaven. It isn't some fairytale we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. It is the truth.
I hope that today, on the LONG Saturday between Jesus' death and resurrection, that you have assurance of eternal life. That you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Because He is that and so much more.
If you don't have that assurance today, I pray that you would find it. Please find someone to talk to about it - a local pastor, a Christian friend, or even me. Email me and I would love to pray for you and let you know more about my Savior. Or you can go here: http://www.sbc.net/knowjesus/theplan.asp. Whatever you do, please don't wait to make the most important decision of your life.
Because I want you to meet Graham, too. But so much more than that, I want you to meet Jesus.
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