6 months

I'm writing this blog from the "road." We are on our way to a family reunion and are just now passing through Waco. Which means we just passed Collin Street Bakery.

I told Matt that I will always think of Graham when I see Collin Street Bakery. Back in October, on our way back from a week in Houston, we were waiting on a call that would tell us the results of Graham's third and final urine tap. If you've been a part of our story from the beginning then you might remember that everything hinged on those results. If they came back positively, then we could continue on towards surgery that would hopefully save his life. If not, then there was nothing we could do to keep him from passing away.

We stopped at Collin Street to get dinner, our hearts still heavy while waiting for the - literally - life and death results. After getting dinner we got back on the road to Fort Worth. Not 10 minutes later we got the call we were waiting for. Graham had normal urine results, therefore allowing us to continue moving forward to surgery.

That was a good day. We were so excited and right after I hung up we stopped and prayed. The Father had been so gracious to us and the prayers of so many were answered.

So while I'm saddened by that memory, knowing now what happened at the end, it is also a sweet time to look back on.

And yet, here we are. 6 months since I last saw, held, and kissed my sweet son.

And that is WAY too long. And it will only get longer.

It's been a hard time for me lately. I am back to the mad stage. I don't know if I was supposed to have it once and then be done. But I am mad again. And not mad at anyone or anything in particular. Just mad that Graham is gone.

It's also very frustrating to start thinking about expanding our family again. I hate to think of having another baby, and it not be Graham. He's all I want.

I had really hoped this would be a more positive post, but I want to be honest, too. So I will just wait out this stage of grief, looking forward to the future one of acceptance. Not that I'm OK with it, but that I accept it as part my story.

That just isn't today.