Four months

When I first lost Graham I busied myself by reading blogs of mommies who had lost their babies.  Or discussion boards.  Or grief books given to me by friends.  And out of each one of those, there was a recurring theme. 

Four months post-loss is really hard.

I tucked that away in the back of my mind, knowing four months would be here soon.  And, unfortunately, they were right.

Here's why I think four months post-loss is so hard:

- I feel like I lost Graham yesterday.  Yet it's already been four months.  The moving of time is an annoying thing sometimes.  And the worst part?  It's gonna keep on moving.  There will not be another day in the future of my life here on earth that I get to hold Graham.  But time will move on and the distance of time from when I last saw my baby will just get longer.

- People have moved on.  Really.  Now, I know that people are going to tell me that they haven't forgotten.  That they will never forget Graham.  And I believe it.  But life goes on.  Babies are born, people are moving, getting new jobs, graduating, etc.  And I still feel really stuck sometimes.  I don't want my life to "go on" without Graham in it.  And it bothers me when I feel like everything has gone back to normal, while I still have a huge hole in my heart.

- I think I am just now realizing what happened.  Is that strange?  I thought my shock lasted for only the first 2 weeks, but looking back I realize that I have been walking around in a cloud of shock for these past four months.  But just lately it's like a lightswitch was turned on.  It has almost felt like someone else's story up until now.  But it's all mine.  My son died.  I held him and kissed him, but 4 hours later, he died.  Surreal.

- To go along with the last point - now that I've realized what really happened, I am finding myself more sad about it.  It is super sad what happened to our family.  And we have been dealing with it for 8 months now.  We found out that Graham was sick when I was 18 weeks pregnant on October 4th.  The four months of waiting to see what happened with Graham - littered with doctor appointment, after procedure, after doctor appointment - were the hardest 4 months of my life.  No doubt.  We lived in a state of the unknown.  Pleading for God to heal our son, but yet, not knowing what that healing would look like.  We went through the motions, being held up only by God, and did what we had to do.  But now four months out from knowing the outcome, I look back and realize how sad all of it is.

There is so much more to say.  The range of emotions I find myself going through in one day's time is still too numerous to count.  I still find myself tearing up often.  I still play through Graham's birthday in my head at least once a day.  I still wonder what Graham would be doing right now.  Or what he would look like.  It is still hard for me to be around babies.  It is still hard for me to try to be excited for friends when they find out they're pregnant.

But it's easier, too.  I can laugh at things, say I'm doing good and really mean it, and talk about reality TV shows.  I can enjoy a girl's weekend and a surprise party thrown for me (more on THAT later).  I can share my story about Graham to encourage others, and not feel like I need as much encouragement as I once did. 

As in all of life, the rollercoaster doesn't stop for one life event.  It keeps going.  So I will hold on tight and be excited for what God has ahead for us, while at the same time missing my son like crazy.