What If

Lately I've been feeling a little more sad. Of course, I'm sure that is a "duh" statement. Of course I'm sad. But, just weeks ago I was able to go through a whole day without crying. Which, if you know me, is huge. However, the tears haven't stayed away lately. I find myself tearing up at the mention of Graham's name. Or if someone asks how I'm doing. And they really mean it, and want to know the truthful answer. Because the truth is not so easy to put into words. I was telling someone just yesterday when they asked me how I was that I was OK, but it's definitely a moment by moment thing.  Because it's so true. I feel like I go back and forth between being OK and not being able to handle it all so very quickly.

I was on the way home for lunch from work today when I got a call from the hospital where we delivered Graham. The man was inquiring about my account balance and asking, very nicely, if we would like to set-up a payment plan. We discussed those matters, and then I asked about Graham's account as well. I told him I had a couple of questions about the things we were billed for because my son passed away. He was very kind to me, and the issues we talked about were very medical and matter of fact. But as soon as I hung up the phone, I completely lost it.  Big, ugly cry.  The feelings of loss and sadness can be so overwhelming.

I am also struggling because I have a whole bunch of friends who have either just had babies, or are getting close.  And, honestly, I am so very happy for them.  I am so happy to see that there are healthy pregnancies and babies.  And that hope is not gone.  However, when I am looking at the pictures, I can't help but long for my sweet Graham.  To wonder what he would be doing right now.  I'm sure at 6 weeks, he would be showing us a toothless grin.  I wonder how his looks would be changing already.  I wonder if he would be a good sleeper like his big brother, Parker, already was at 6 weeks.

But, the "what if" game can be so silly.  Because if we really want to play that game, I have to be wondering if we would still be in the hospital.  How Graham's kidneys would be working.  If we were able to have the surgery on his bladder yet or not.  Whenever I get too deep into asking the "what if" questions, I really start to see how very merciful God was in that hospital room on February 3rd.  Graham was so sick.  He needed more help than any human could offer.  And God saw it best to take Graham then.  To not let him suffer through the life of "living" at the hospital, through multiple surgeries, procedures, pricks and pokes.  He showed mercy to my son, and for that I am so grateful.  Graham knew nothing but love during his short life. 

Please don't hear me say that I wouldn't have been OK with all of the issues we would have had to dealt with if Graham would have survived.  I would have stood by Graham's side for every medical issue for as long as he needed.  I would have done it all and would have been so very thankful to be able to spend that time with him and take care of him in that way.  But, I can't help but see God's graciousness to our family.  To give Graham a much better life than he would have had here.  The "what if" game is pointless when compared to the glory and majesty that Graham is experiencing in Heaven.  I just can't wait until we can all experience it together.