Tomorrow I start back to work from my six-week maternity leave. The most popular question people have been asking me lately is if I'm ready to go back. And the answer? I'm not really sure.
I have been thinking about normalcy a lot lately. What is normal? And do we even want to go back to normal?
Because going back to work is just another step to normalcy. Which is good - normalcy is comfortable. I know how our little family of three works, what our schedule looks like, how to handle working full-time while raising a three year old and being married to a seminary student. But, we so longed to NOT be in familiar territory. At this point, we were expecting for our life to look different. We were at the zoo the other day and when we got home I told Matt that it just didn't feel right. Of course, we have been to the zoo with Parker tons of times (woohoo for our zoo membership!). But we should have been pushing around a baby in the stroller. Or one of us should have been there with Parker while the other was in the hospital with Graham. Either way, it shouldn't have been us three there "just like normal."
I think it is bugging me that everything feels "just like normal." Because even though we are doing the same things before Graham was born and it looks exactly the same from the outside, we are so very far from normal. No one can tell just by looking at us, but we are walking around with a member of our family missing. There is nothing normal about your baby dying at birth.
So, tomorrow I will go into work - probably late because of being off for the past 6 weeks. And it will be so good to see my sweet work friends. And it will be nice to have something to keep me busy and focused during the day. But I will also be ever mindful of all that has happened in my life and what I can do to figure out my "new normal." How I can go through the motions of my life before Graham, while at the same time making sure there is a distinct difference. I feel as though Graham deserves that. He deserves to have enough weight and importance to change my life. To change my normalcy.
2 comments:
The great thing about normalcy is it is constantly changing. And that is normal. You can't try to be normal; you are or you aren't in that moment. The next moment may bring a different state of normalcy or non-normalcy. How wonderful to know our lives are constantly changing as He remains the same. I love you no matter how abnormal you are. Love, Aunt
Really to think about it none of us walk through life normal. At any given time an event or situation can change our current state of what we are feeling of "normal". So taking the time to find where you want Graham to change you and your life is perfectly understandably! Graham will always be with you and a part of you! I encourage you to take the time to do so. It is a part of your and your healing process as a family. Each day you have been in my prayers and thoughts.
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