Weight

Today was a super busy day at work.  Not quite sure why, but it seemed like every weird thing that could go wrong or need extra attention happened today.  So, when my boss' assistant called for me at 4:30 this afternoon and said that my boss needed to speak with me, it seemed like just par for the course.

However, when I walked into his office I was caught off guard by all of my friends and co-workers who were gathered in there.  I work in the Business Office at the Seminary, and with all of the departments combined, there are about 15 of us.  I, of course, said, "What's going on?"  Everyone giggled nervously, but were all staring at me.  Super awkward at first.  But then my boss started to speak.  He talked about how everyone cares about me and my family, and have been so touched by our story of losing Graham.  He said that they all got together and decided to order a brick for our Graham. 

He then handed this brick to me, and that is when I started to cry.  I was so touched by their expression of love, but more than that, there was weight in my arms.  And it had Graham's name on it, and it represented my son.  I cannot adequately explain to you the feelings that rushed over me.  My arms have ached to hold my son again.  And here I was getting to hold something weighty that was just for him. 

They told me that there is going to be another brick just like it put outside the new chapel that the Seminary just built.  Along with Graham's brick, there will also be one for Parker, and one for Matt & I.  Through tears I told everyone there that we were so very thankful for this gift.  It meant more to us than they probably even realized because we have wanted something permanent here in Fort Worth for Graham. 

When Graham first passed away, and we were having to quickly make decisions about what to do with his body while we were in the hospital, we thought that we would want him to be buried at a cemetery here in Fort Worth.  He was our Fort Worth baby.  He was conceived here, lived his whole life inside me here, was born and died here.  We really wanted him here.   I got out of the hospital on Sunday afternoon, and we had an appointment at a local funeral home on Monday morning.  That appointment was probably one of the worst things I ever had to do.  The funeral director drove us out to "Babyland" to pick out a plot for Graham.  And it made me sick.  I don't quite know what I was envisioning, but I knew this wasn't it.  I couldn't imagine "leaving" my child out there.  I was so anxious and ready to just make a decision and be done with it, but we decided to pull back on making a decision right then.  Graham was cremated and his remains are now here in our apartment with us.  We have still talked about having him buried here, but we are in no rush to make an emotional decision.

All that to say, it really meant a lot to think that now we do have something that will be a permanent place here in Fort Worth.  And more than Fort Worth, a permanent place at the Seminary is even more meaningful.  I would be hardpressed to fully describe how supportive and loving our Seminary family has been to us during all that we have gone through with Graham.  They have encouraged us, prayed for us, financially supported us, and loved on us so well. 

When everyone was leaving my boss' office, one of my friends stopped and told me that Christ's power has so obviously been demonstrated in me during this time.  But more than that, even, that Graham has demonstrated God's power.  His little body was weak and we were powerless, but Christ's power was strong.  I am so proud to be Graham's mom.  In his 4 short hours of life he has touched more than I could ever hope to.  He has brought many people closer to the Lord, and I am one of them.  I feel as though I see God in a whole new way now.  I have seen the depths of His mercy, His abounding peace, His glorious grace.  What an awesome gift my Graham has left me!