Preparation

I can look back on several instances over the past couple years where I can see that perhaps God was preparing me for all that was going to happen with my sweet Graham. 

Back in the fall of 2007 I was pregnant for the first time.  I was "enjoying" all of the joys of pregnancy (nausea, sleepiness, aversions to food, etc.) when I went in for our first checkup and ultrasound.  I was 8 weeks pregnant and excited to sneak a glimpse of the little one inside me.  However, we left that day with the sad news that we had a miscarriage.  I was distraught over our loss, and grieved for our sweet baby that we would never be able to meet this side of heaven.  I was still processing it all when I heard about some friends of ours that were pregnant and went in for their mid-pregnancy ultrasound, only to leave with the devastating news that their baby showed to be "incompatible with life." 

I feel like I was able to, at that point, put some sort of perspective on the grief I was dealing with.  Please hear me when I say that a loss at any point in the pregnancy is heartbreaking, but I truly felt that the emotions they were now dealing with went to a deeper place than I could imagine.  I had been clicking through some blogs during that time and stumbled upon Angie Smith's "Bring the Rain" blog.  Reading her story, I couldn't help but compare it to Brandon and Sara's.  I sent Sara the blog link and told her that she may want to read the blog for some encouragement and to know that she wasn't walking this road alone.

Long story short, Angie and Sara struck up a friendship that carried them through what was ahead - the loss of both of their sweet babies.  I sat by and read updates from both of these two ladies on the delivery day of their children.  Angie delivered Audrey on April 7th, 2008 and she shortly went on to be with the Father.  Sara delivered sweet Elliot on April 28th, 2008 and he spent an hour alive with his family before he, too, went to Heaven.  I was a mess on both of those days as I had prayed so very hard for these families.  I remember now, though, that I didn't necessarily pray for God to perform a miracle and save either Audrey or Elliot from death.  I prayed for the strength and peace that can only come from God to show up in a mighty way and hold these families up. 

I was able to go to Elliot's memorial service and I can remember Brandon running up to me before the service saying, "Angie's here!"  I knew exactly who he was talking about.  I couldn't believe it and was so excited that they could finally meet face to face.  Angie actually blogged about her visit here.  I tell you all of this, and I have also shared this with Sara, that I think God was preparing me.  I found myself so involved in these stories.  I pored over their updates, their blog posts (before and after their loss), and cried many tears for them.  My sweet sister-in-law, Becky, even bought me Angie's book "I Will Carry You" when it came out in 2010.  I read it then, reliving all that their family went through with Audrey.  I really don't know how to describe it, but it seems like God had opened me up to this kind of loss, to the possibility, to what the pain feels and looks like.

There is another time when I feel like God was preparing my heart for what was to come.  It's when I wrote this blog post here.  I was 13 weeks pregnant with Parker and we had a "scare."  You can read more about it yourself, but I really hope you watch the video, too. 

I am so thankful for these things I can look back on and see how God was gracious to me.  He didn't have to be, but I really feel like my heart was somewhat ready for losing my Graham.  I knew that it was all for God's glory.  I knew that we would be OK.  I knew that Graham would be so much better in Heaven than he is here.  I knew that God wasn't going to waste this pain.  I knew Him, and for that I am thankful.