Graham's Well

I got the email today that I've been waiting a long time for - or at least it seems a long time. You can read my previous post about Graham's well here. It only took us 2 and a half weeks to raise the needed funds and I got the email on Christmas Eve telling us that Graham's well was fully funded. It was such a great Christmas present to us. And since then, I've been waiting for the email with the pictures of Graham's well complete. They came today and the tears were flowing.

 

 

 

These are some of the most beautiful pictures I've ever seen.  It is always special to see Graham's name somewhere - to see that he had life here on this earth.  But when I see it on his well - giving water to 1200 people - it's indescribable. 

 

 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again,  but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.  The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

John 4:13-15

Would you join me in praying that these people, more than getting this fresh water to bring them physical health, would also find Jesus - the well that won't run dry?

Pink

Last week Matt and I got to have an ultrasound to check out our growing baby.  By this time in the pregnancy (16 weeks), we knew that we could at least get a good glimpse of the bladder and kidney development to make sure that everything seemed to be working properly there.  We were also hoping for a glimpse of the gender, too, but our sweet baby was just a little shy.  The doctor said that the bladder and kidneys looked good, but was only willing to give an 80% guess of the gender.  I quickly asked her if we could come in again soon to get a better look at gender because I wanted to know for sure before our trip to Disney World.  Because I have the best doctor ever, she said I could come in the following Friday.

Today, Matt and I went in for the follow-up appointment and the doctor was able to confirm what she thought she saw the week before...we are having a GIRL! 

I am still in a ton of shock, and don't know if I still really believe it.  But we feel so blessed, regardless of gender, to know that we have a healthy baby right now.

This afternoon my friend Matia and I decided to announce the gender of our babies to our office friends.  Matia is due about a week before me, and she has been such a sweet encourager to me during everything we've gone through in the past year.  It was really special to share an exciting moment with her.

 

Not knowing the gender 100% before this morning, Matia and I just made cookies and put pink M&M's in some and blue M&M's in the other.  When it was time for the party, Matia and I picked up the correct cookie for our baby and took a bite.  We had a little fun with it, too, because we actually picked up the opposite gender (blue for me, pink for her), and then switched.  Just a little fun to throw everyone off one more time.

 

 

When we got home in the evening, we surprised Parker with the pink balloons to tell him that he was having a baby sister.  That is what he wanted all along (even with Graham), so he was really excited.

 

And then we had a little photoshoot, fun, too. :)

 

 

 

We are thankful for our sweet Emerson Bree and are so excited to meet her on August 1st.  It has been a little hard for Parker to understand that we are actually going to get to bring Emerson home with us.  I hate that his first big brother experience was hard and confusing, but he was a great big brother to Graham and I know he will be the same to Emerson.  We are blessed.

 

 

Second Trimester

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

 

Well, here I am - in the second trimester finally!  I am 13 weeks pregnant with Baby Dugan #3.  This is probably about the part of the pregnancy that people stop worrying so much about something going wrong and settle in for "smooth sailing."  I mean, once you get past the worry of a miscarriage, everything is good, right?

 

Well, that's what I used to think.  And honestly, before I had my first pregnancy and the subsequent miscarriage, I didn't even think an early miscarriage was a risk for me.  I think back about my ignorance and wonder why I felt like I was so untouchable.  That miscarriages, and later on, infant loss, happened to other people.  Surely not me. *insert appropriate cliche here about not speaking too soon, or hindsight is 20/20, etc, etc*

 

But I look back on the loss of Graham and see how much 1) the Lord prepared me for losing him and 2) He carried me through when the obstacle before me seemed insurmountable.

 

All that to say - I am worried. 

 

I know I shouldn't be.  I know that I'm not in control.  I know there's nothing that I can do.  I know the Lord will continue to be faithful.

 

I feel like the Lord taught us so much through the loss of Graham that I don't want to forget.  I want to apply those truths to my life.  That is why we told people we were pregnant a little earlier than I felt comfortable doing.  We decided to announce it via Christmas card, but I was still so worried that it was too soon.  That we were jinxing ourselves.  Like that can really happen.  UGH!

But then I had to step back and realize that:

     1) There is a baby in my belly.  Our baby.  And this life should be celebrated, no matter how   short or long it is.

     2) We learned firsthand how real the power of prayer is.  Why would we not want more people praying for this precious life to grow strong and healthy?

     3)  We suffered a pretty public loss with Graham.  I feel like so many of you walked this road with us, and deserve to know about this new life, too.

The innocence of pregnancy has been long-gone for the Dugan family, but we are grateful for another baby.  We are praying so fervently to be able to bring this baby home with us, but regardless, Blessed be the Name of the Lord! 

 

A New Year

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

 Psalm 30:11-12

 I have had such a hard time writing this blog - wanting to say the exact right words.  But I'm not sure it's possible.  I cannot say that I am sad to see 2012 go; it was a tough one.  But, really, it was pretty good, too.

Highlights:
- Got to meet and hold my sweet Graham.  I will remember those 4 hours with him for the rest of my life and I am truly grateful for that time.  It was so peaceful and couldn't have been sweeter.  And to top it off - he was beautiful!
- Got to experience true community.  The support that we had from friends, family, and even strangers was overwhelming.
- Matt and I got to go on a cruise with our good friends Victor and Linda.  And it was a perfect vacation to just relax, sleep, and eat.
- I turned 30 and was thoroughly spoiled by my sweet, sweet husband.  He really is the best.
- I started a small little side business (Padged Designs) and it has been really fun making pretty things.
- We were able to fund a well in Uganda in Graham's honor.

2013 is looking up, too.  A trip to Disney World in March, Matt's graduation in May, hopefully a new job, city & home soon thereafter, and a baby in August!!  Thank you Lord for your good gifts.  We are truly thankful.

Saving Lives this Christmas

I've had a lot of people ask me about how we're doing during the Holidays.  It's a common question, for sure, but I don't really have a good answer.  Maybe I'm in the minority here, and it may change at any time, but I don't feel like my grief really differentiates between holidays or not.

I feel just as sad as I did on a random Tuesday in August, and sometimes I feel just as happy and joyful as I did on a good weekend in September.  It's a roller coaster, and it stops for no one or no thing. 

All that to say, I do feel like I need to do something for Graham this Christmas.  We are busy looking for things for Parker, getting excited with him about Christmas lights, and using green & red sprinkles on everything.  But our sweet Graham isn't here to do those things with. 

So, we've got another idea.  What if we could save lives in Graham's honor?  What if we could take the money we would have spent on Graham this Christmas - and in 2 months, his 1st birthday - and use it for others?

Well, in comes Holden Uganda.  Chet & Sarah Erwin lost their son Holden in August of 2010.  And ever since then, they have been saving lives by providing water wells for people in Uganda who so desperately need clean water.  Just look at some of these pictures off of their website for other projects that have been funded here.  These wells have the name of a sweet baby who was gone way too soon.

It gives me chill bumps to think of a well across the world with Graham's name on it - constantly providing clean, life-saving water to those in need.

Here's their mission statement off of their website:

Holden Uganda is a non-profit foundation founded in December 2010 to spread the love of Christ with people around the globe. Our mission is to provide clean drinking water, through Artesian wells, to African communities.

These wells provide HOPE. Between 500 & 2000 Ugandan people are given hope through clean drinking water with each well. Also, each well is dedicated to a baby or child who went to heaven before his/her parents, providing hope to the families.

So, here's what I'm asking you to do....HELP!

Matt and I will not be able to fund this well on our own.  At least, not for quite awhile.  But, we would love, if you would be so led, to help us get this well funded by Graham's 1st birthday (February 3, 2013).  Artesian wells cost anywhere from $1800 - $2400. 

There's a lot more information that I could give you, like the Erwin's story, or the fact that your gift is tax-deductible, or that 100% of your gift goes toward building a well.  But I will let you check it all out on their website, www.holdenuganda.org.

And if you are willing to help us, you can click on the Donate/Purchase tab, follow the instructions, and then you will see Graham Dugan's name on the drop-down list of Funds.

But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

John 4:14

..

Halloween

So, thanks to Netflix, Parker has discovered the late, great 1989 masterpiece better known as Super Mario Brothers Super Show.  It is as cheesy as you can imagine, but for some reason it catches the attention of our boy.

So this year, we started at the beginning of October talking to Parker about Halloween and what he wanted to be.  Pretty quickly we all decided on Mario, and we ran with it.

Inspiration:

Dugan Interpretation:

And just for fun, here's a look back at Halloween-past:

 2006

Tacky Tourists

2009

The Zookeeper and her Lion

2011

The Chicken



2nd Worst

{Continued from this post.}

We woke up on Wednesday morning, October 5th, hoping to find out this had all been a dream.  Or rather a nightmare.

The details are a little fuzzy in my head of this day.  I know that while we were getting ready for our doctor's appointments, I sat on the bed and wrote a Facebook message to a large group of our friends.  I needed to let everyone know what was going on and to ask them to pray.  Sometimes I look back on that letter and am amazed at my words.  Clearly the Lord had afforded us peace and comfort that could only come from Him.  During our whole time with Graham, He was so good to give us overwhelming peace and glimpses of Hope.  Here's an excerpt:

...

Being completely honest, I am so scared and also so very sad. Of course, this is not the way we would have liked all of this to happen, but we also trust in the sovereign plan of God. We are crying out to Him for a miracle, but we know that He loves and knows our precious baby even more than we do. And He will heal this baby. Maybe in not the way our flesh so desires, but our baby will be healed regardless.


I am not sending you this email for you to feel sorry for us. We are fine. We will be fine. We have the Prince of Peace. But I am sending you this email begging that you would join us in prayer. Our very specific request right now is that the tests would come back showing that the baby and I are candidates for the surgery. Please join us.

...

Even though, like I said before, the details are fuzzy from this day, I can still picture myself sitting on my brother's guest bed and crying big, fat alligator tears while writing this email.  It still didn't feel real.

We dropped Parker off at my niece & nephew's daycare (Sidenote: Another provision from God.  Their very nice and capable daycare allowed drop-ins and were more than willing to accomodate our situation.  They let Parker and Laurel see each other as much or often as they needed during the day so we knew Parker would feel comfortable). 

We made the long trek from Katy to the Medical Center in Houston where we first met with a genetic counselor.  There were no procedures to be done at that appointment, but this kind lady did want us to be familiar with all of the chromosomal issues that could be causing the baby's blockage.  Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 were all tossed around as possible issues.  There was a constant stream of tears as we looked through a book with her of the disorders and the fatality rates.  She told us that they could do a CVS placenta draw that day to test the chromosomes and see what is wrong.  It would also tell us the gender.  We agreed to the procedure, knowing it would give us insight in how to better treat our baby.

The next appointment was with our fetal intervention doctor, who did a very thorough ultrasound on the baby.  It lasted about 45 minutes, and then he asked us to go into the conference room next door.  Matt and I, along with about 5 other doctors, sat down at the conference table, facing an empty white board.  In the next 30 minutes, that white board became full of scenarios and percentages.

We were basically given 3 options:
   1) IF there were no chromosomal issues, and the bladder taps of urine proved that the kidney was somewhat functioning, and it was a boy, THEN we could go forward with a bladder shunt placement surgery.  However, it only offers a 60% survival rate.
   2) Do nothing, and let the baby pass on their own.
   3) Have a "procedure" done to "eliminate" the baby.

I remember sitting there, and every once in awhile, looking around at the doctors who were staring at the whiteboard.  Did they know they were talking about my baby?  Did they not see that this is a devastating conversation we are having?  How could they look so un-moved?

After the lengthy conversation, everyone left the room except for Matt and I.  They wanted to give us time to discuss everything, now knowing all of the information and all of the risks.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

It was easy not to choose Option 3.  We were not going to abort this precious life inside me.  BUT - there was a fleeting moment in all of it that I just wanted to choose Option 2.  The future looked bleak for this baby.  Why don't we just let the baby pass on their own, peacefully, inside my womb?  Do we really want to go through all of these procedures just to have a baby who would be so sick?  A baby who would need so much medical help for the rest of their life?

The Lord spoke to us during that time, though, and asked that we would walk this path - however long it took.  Whatever it looked like.  Whether it ended that day during the invasive procedures the doctors were about to perform.  Or whether it ended when this baby passed away at the age of 90 years old.

We were confident that the Lord was calling us to chase after life for this baby.  We knew that the whiteboard in front of us was nothing but bad news.  There was no hope.  The only place we could find true Hope was through God.  Isn't that what it all boils down to, anyways?  Christ Alone.

The decision was made to move forward with the needed procedures.  The doctors made sure that we knew that there was a risk with the following procedures, and that this could be the end right then and there if something went wrong. 

Believing the Lord was calling us to continue, I laid on a table with Matt on one side and a sweet Nurse Practicitioner on the other squeezing my hands while the doctors performed the 1st of 3 bladder taps.  It was surreal to be watching the ultrasound on the big screen TV mounted to the wall, seeing the same thing the doctors saw while they expertly inserted a needle into my belly, into the pregnancy sac, and into the baby's bladder.  They drew urine out to test and see if the kidneys were still working.  The next test was a CVS placenta draw where they went into my belly and actually clipped off a part of my placenta to send in for chromosomal testing. 

I remember that Matt and I were both praying, out loud, while the doctors were working.  I kept on repeating to the Lord, "You know."  He alone knew the days numbered for our sweet baby.  He alone knew what needed to be done.  He alone knew the issues that were causing the blockage.  He alone knew who the sweet baby was.  He alone was in control.

The rest of the day was a blur.  We set up more appointments with doctors in the coming days, and then headed back to Katy to see Parker and my brother's family.  All I wanted to do after those appointments was hold Parker.  I saw my baby up on the screen all day long and felt so helpless, unable to do anything to help him.  Towards the end of the day, and in the days (and months) to come, I found myself not even looking at the screen.  It is too much, sometimes, to see your sweet baby up there hurting while there is absolutely nothing you can do.

I know this entry is not the most upbeat thing I've ever posted on this blog, but I really did want to get all of this written before I forgot more than I already have.  If I count the Monday after Graham passed away - the day that we went to the funeral home - as the worst day of my life, then I count this day, October 5th, 2011, the second worst day.  It was such a very rough day for our family.

But know this - there were brighter days coming.  The Lord performed some miracles in our sweet baby's life.  Of course, we all know the ending of this story and we know that Graham is no longer with us.  But along the journey that started this day one year ago, there was still answered prayer and glimpses of joy.